Anxiety, PTSD and Me

Anxiety sucks.

A little bit of day-to-day anxiety is natural, the “oh sh*t, I’m going to be late…” or something similar, but what if that anxiety stays with you all day, burbling away like a saucepan full of water, threatening to over-boil?

What if anxieties prevent you from doing activities that you’d previously enjoyed, what if you deliberately avoid situations because you’re worried about what might happen, even though it won’t.

An example of this is, we have to cross a bridge over an “A” road to get to the nearest train station, at my worst I would be going over it thinking “what if it collapses, where would I fall? I’m not crossing if there’s a car underneath, I’ll get run over, if the fall doesn’t kill me”.

My anxieties have definitely increased since my three foot operations, I’m slower walking around, as a non-driver and I worry about people behind me, worry that they’ll assault me, as per what happened a few years ago.

I worry about what all these foot operations have put my family through, I worry about the next general anaesthetic, figuring that as I’ve got through 3, one more is likely to go wrong.

I “bit the bullet” on Tuesday and talked to someone at Talking Therapies about past events and how I’m feeling now, she graded my anxiety level as “moderate”, said I had PTSD and I have to decide on future therapy.

I feel guilty about saying “PTSD”, it’s associated with people who’ve experienced far, far worse than me and I don’t want to detract from what they’ve gone through.

I was also due a medication review this week and, as well as continuing on the amitriptyline for anxiety and sleep, I’ve been prescribed Pregabalin for the horrendous nerve pain I’ve been left with and anxiety.

Yesterday, on day 122/365 I was grateful that I’d bought a pre-payment prescription certificate as this little lot would have cost me £27!

I didn’t post this yesterday, I was worried about opening up, part of me was also anxious about any drug interaction and when I should take the two tablets. Ironically Instagram doesn’t seem to want to publish this post, hence the blog!

I was warned I’d feel drowsy today with the Pregabalin, I do, I’ve felt as if I’m in a bubble, my short-term memory has been making me both frustrated and laugh today, that feeling when go to do something and have no idea what? That’s been me, all day.

But, once they’re in my system, I’m sure they’ll help.

There is a hashtag #itsokaynottobeokay and that is what I’m striving for at the moment.

Thanks for reading x

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