This post would have been different yesterday, 12th October. It wouldn’t have been positive, in fact I doubt I’d have completed it.
Yesterday marks two years since my first both feet operation and it’s fair to say that I’ve lost my way since then, finding that the tools which used to be so handy for my wellbeing diminish (yes, blog, I’m talking about you!)
It’s also been a time when you find out that those who are interested in seeing how we are, stay interested and those who don’t…well don’t.
But, let’s turn things around with some positivity:
I was terrified going into that operation two years ago, absolutely petrified. Stressed to the eyeballs that transport to and from her SN school hadn’t been sorted out for D and the feeling that I’d let her down.
I was also so scared I wouldn’t wake up, having not had an operation under a general anaesthetic before and cried walking down to the small ante room and cried in there, they were probably glad to put me to sleep!
The positives of having had two operations since then are that the general anaesthetics don’t worry me now!
I went into the second and third ones smiling and feeling positive and tried counting down to see if I’d still be counting when I came around from operation number 2 (I didn’t) and with operation number 3 I tried having a song in my head, I came around from that one to being told to drink cold water and my blood pressure was too low – no singing there.
There may be another operation next Spring on my left foot as it hasn’t healed and set back as wonderfully as the right one and getting any sort of shoe/boot on is painful and challenging. The toe which got pinned is floating around like a spare part and doesn’t touch the ground when I walk, which has pain implications and it’s likely that the tendon will need breaking and re-attaching, if another operation goes ahead.
So, operation number 4 will be met with “yes, this will work” and doing as I’m told with regard to resting afterwards and most definitely not running (hahaha) before I can walk, as the saying goes. Once any home-school transport is sorted, that is.
I’ve also learnt that things take time. I could compare my operations to my little crochet projects, I wasn’t ready to make a full-size complicated throw when I started learning to crochet, I wasn’t ready, I had to learn the basics. I’m challenging myself with these beautiful but intense patterns now, 2.5 years later, because I feel ready.
The cardigan above is a very good example. I’d watch variations being made at crochet group and think “nope, no way can I ever make that!”, this summer I had a go and that’s the result, I’m so proud of it!
As well as feeling more positive in myself about the prospect of another operation, my family know exactly what the upheaval will be afterwards, we are well practised in it! I’m so so pleased that D finally has her much-wanted bunnies and that we aren’t saying “well, we’ll have to wait another year because…”, she tucks them in at night and absolutely loves them.
They’ve grown a bit!
I’m also grateful that support can be found in unexpected quarters. I had a cry yesterday morning and Messenger messages kept me going, put things into perspective and stopped that self-pitying post being written. It could be a lot worse.
Which brings me onto my last positive pojnt, that my surgeon hasn’t discharged me and my foot, that I’m going back in January to talk next steps (good choice of words!), that maybe, just maybe it will be fourth time lucky!
Fingers crossed! Xx
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