Apologies for absence 

Dear Blog,

I’m sorry, I’ve neglected you big time over the last few days, I needed to. To take some time out, have a little blog/tech/email break and just gather myself.

I don’t like to mumble and grumble but it felt like that’s how I was getting.  Sure, we had a wonderful time at the SN adventure playground last Tuesday, but the anxieties for D that manifested after we got home and the days following made me realise that, whilst she’s maturing in many ways, those anxieties and her inability to cope with them are still very much there.

What else happened?  Well, one of our pets died.  A much-loved little pet.  It was very clear last Thursday that he was fading and he held on until Friday morning.  T was teary but D’s reaction was “oh, what pet are we having next?”.  No emotion, just very factual which upset me and made me wonder how it would be if it had been one of us.

Which brings me to …. my potential operation.  There was no news last week but I’ve found out today that my appeal will be heard next week and I’m now pencilled in for the end of September, if it’s approved.  Which means that at least we now know something, even if it’s still quite up-in-the-air.  I’m now not waking up thinking “will I know something today?”, which was not doing much for my wellbeing.  

Yesterday was a good one.  The sun shone and, for the first time in months (and I’m not exaggerating that) T and D actually got on.  She was in the pool and he was aiming soft balls into a rubber ring which she held, they laughed together and it’s only when they do laugh that you realise how infrequently that happens.  I was watching, smiling, thinking “I’m not taking pictures, I just want to savour this moment”.   All back to “normal” today with T upsetting D, with a little bit of what he sees as “banter”, which she can’t process and respond to.

It feels like I’m on eggshells a lot of the time, waiting for a situation to manifest and then I head into “referee” mode.  I don’t like feeling like this, again it’s not brilliant for wellbeing, but I can’t switch off because I’m second-guessing and anticipating (it feels like) 24/7.

Our summer seems quite “ground hog day” ish with D finding it difficult to cope with being around people at all really.  Maybe it’s a case of the fact that everything is a bit fuzzy inside as the hormone-blocking injections have now stopped and she’s catching up.  I don’t know, it’s very difficult to ask her how she’s feeling, again it’s a case of second-guessing.  

So, until they head back to school, there may be days when I’m not doing a daily blog, it may be that I don’t feel like it or that there isn’t much to tell, sometimes it’s the case that everything feels a bit “raw”, like last week and “blogging it out” just brings everything flooding back.

Bear with me, I’m much happier being a positive J than a “woe is me” J.  It just makes things seem more achievable, doesn’t it? Jx

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