Hump! Weds 13th April 2016

By | April 13, 2016

Hump day today.  When I was first wished “happy hump day” on social media, I thought it was a bit (sssh) rude until I was told it meant we’re over the middle of the week, the “hump” as it were.

But that’s not why I’ve got this title.  

I have days where I get a bit despondent, worry about the future for our children and just wish for a conversation that lasts more than two question/answers.  Sometimes (a lot) I don’t even get that.

D never wants to talk about her day at school, she just wants to get home.  Today she took me by the hand and agressively dragged me along because she wanted to get back quicker.  Once home, she went upstairs so that she doesn’t have to be glared at by her brother, T.

T, our little man who isn’t so little anymore.  He’s high functioning and very good at masking emotion during the school day, that mask comes off when he gets home and the stern looks and closed-off tones of voice come out.  The “I don’t want to have a conversation, I’d rather be on Minecraft” type of looks that make me feel sad that he’s not out playing football in a field or just being sociable.

I’d get home from school and go out, out on my bike with friends.  I didn’t want to be around my parent either but I knew, if I back-chatted or spoke in a distinctly “off” tone, I’d get hit or grounded.  I don’t do either of those things with our children, I still remember my hair being pulled so tightly and fiercely that my scalp stung for ages afterwards. I prefer to talk things through, to listen, to offer advice, but my children don’t want to talk.

Is it puberty, hormones with a hefty dose of the lack of social skills that autism brings? Probably.  

My children with autism will be growing up into young adults with autism before we know it. Not everyone will love them/be as tolerate of them as we are, that scares me.

Will I get over this hump of despondency? Of course I will, I have to.

Don’t get me wrong, I know we’re lucky, there are families who’d give anything to hear their child speak, who’d love to know if their child was anxious/scared/happy because a squeal can mean any manner of times, can’t it.

Just sometimes, everything metaphorically whacks me around the head and makes me think and wonder.  Today has been one such day.


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