One Year On and other #R2BC 

By | December 4, 2015

This time last year I felt c r a p.  With a capital C if you like.  For no particular reason other than life had worn me down.

The battles to get the best education and services possible for T and D, the worries that having a self-employed bread winner brings and the bereavements that had hit the wider family.  It all wore me down.

I wasn’t sleeping, crying was second nature and, whilst I was making sure that everyone had their three meals a day (varied as they are), it didn’t apply to me.  You can read more here.

I’m very good at recognising when others don’t seem themselves and second guessing why, but not so for myself.  If Hubbie had said “I’m worried about you, you could do with going to the doctor”, I’d have made excuses because that’s how I am, not wanting to waste people’s time.  

Eventually I did, just over a year ago.   In true “stubborn J style”,  I only told Hubbie about it after the appointment! During my time with the doctor, there were tears (from me) as I tried to explain just how exhausted I was, sympathy from the doctor and then organisation as she booked me in for a health MOT, which involved blood tests, a scan and a mammogram to try and determine whether I was emotionally drained or whether there was an underlying physical reason.

Fortunately I was fine physically and in January, I decided to take up the offer of some anti-depressants, the sleep being much better with the aid of some tablets too.   She also recommended some online CBT as I didn’t feel comfortable in a group situation (remember I said that!).

Fast forward to now and (the major R2BC bit):

I stopped taking my anti-depressants in August.   It had got to the stage where I’d be forgetting to take them because I felt so much better and therefore they weren’t the first thing on my mind.   

I was signed off from the CBT in May and my scores were vastly increased.  The main thing I learnt from it is to think beyond what seems to be the initial obstacle, imagine the absolute worst and then realise that that can’t happen.  Turning my way of thinking from a reactive to a proactive.  

And I kicked a major phobia and obstacle up the butt.  Again, I had to do it, in my own time but I did it.  My only regret is that I didn’t do it years ago, but I had to be ready and recognise that.

It’s all worked.  Okay I have days when I can wake up feeling apprehensive (who doesn’t) but instead of that feeling lingering, it goes.  

I’m a happy, smiley J and that’s contagious.   

I volunteer in the Comms and Events team of T’s football club and network.  Yes me, that person who wouldn’t say “boo” to a goose before.  I’m not worried about speaking up and if I do, I’m certainly not blushing or worried what people are going to think of me anymore.

Here I am last week, the club won a community award and so a posse of us went along.    Yes, I wore my favourite purple dress.

Feedback I’ve received since I started the Comms work has been so positive, I’ve got “drive and energy” amongst other things, I’m enjoying it.  Building up the networks within the community, enjoying seeing a plan come together.  I know it’s going to get busier next year (oh yes indeedy) but I’m ready for it.

Such a change from this time last year.

And my other R2BCs this week:

Both T and D have had unsettling weeks at home, it’s so difficult to juggle/referee when they are both agitated.  Today though, I was greeted with smiles at the end of the day, YAY!

Christmas is looming and I’m not stressing.  After all, it’s just one day, albeit a celebratory one.  I always chuckle at the panic buying of milk, toilet rolls and bread on Christmas Eve when the vast majority of the shops open again on Boxing Day.   As long as the children are comfortable, I get a snuggle on the sofa with Hubbie and there’s some good TV on (last ever Downton!), all will be well.

It’s funny how life turns out isn’t it? Last year, any metaphorical curveballs thrown at me would have knocked me down, I’ve have cried and wouldn’t have got back up, this year I’ll catch them and chuck them back! 


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1 Comment

xOjox on 9th December 2015 at 9:32 pm.

I’m not stressed about Christmas this year, I am just enjoying the whole season. Its so lovely to see your confidence blossoming, beautiful lady xx


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